I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
