News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
