and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
