I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
