If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
