Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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