I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
