As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
