Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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