i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Congratulations! We have a period
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