You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
