My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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