I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
