i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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