i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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