your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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