Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
