There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize