My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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