I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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