he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
