Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
