I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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