Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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