i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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