You made me cry and you don't even care
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
