You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
