thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
