There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
