new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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