my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
