she looked like the bat from fern gully.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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