Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
