ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
