Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
