last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
