No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
And then he peed in my hair
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