we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I understand Curling. That high.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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