I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
