Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
