We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
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Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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