i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
