life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
