Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
