I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
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just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
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Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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