I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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