why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just made my gag reflex go away.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
