Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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