White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i think im in europe. pls send help
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
