Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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