Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
