dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
