I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
