Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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