She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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