Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
