Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
