the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
